When Freedom of Expression Isn’t Enough: Pervert Associations Demand Constitutional Amendment Protecting Upskirt Photography

Barbie did not consent to this photo taken from under her skirt.

Recent court decisions have ruled in favor of the right of men to take “upskirt” photos, that is to accost women in public, stick cameras under their skirts and photograph their crotches without their consent. The judges based their ruling on the men’s first amendment right to freedom of expression (and completely ignored women’s right to privacy under their own skirts). What’s an outraged feminist writer to do? I could only respond with a parody article.

You’re welcome.

Some people are tired of being harassed, and apparently it’s not women. Yesterday, several groups advocating upskirt photography have begun a campaign for a constitutional amendment to protect their right to photograph women’s crotches without the women’s consent. The American Association of Perverts (AAP) and the American Association of Perverts and Predators (AAPP – a spin off organization whose members left due to ideological differences) have developed a coalition with the Association of Creepy Photographers (ACP) to demand a constitutional amendment that defines a woman’s crotch as part of the public domain.

“We’re tired of being harassed with these petty court cases that we always win,” said a spokesman for the ACP. “The judges always end up ruling in our favor, so the judicial process is just a waste of our time. Time that we could spend accosting women in public and taking photos of their crotches.” An AAPP spokesman added, “If women don’t want strangers to stick cameras under their skirts and photograph their crotches, they should stay at home where their fathers, husbands, brothers, uncles, and boyfriends can be in charge of their crotches.”

The coalition was emboldened by the recent decision by the Texas court of appeals. [This really happened.] According to The Independent UK, the court, “ruled 8-1 to strike down part of a law which bans taking images of another person in public without their consent and with the intention to ‘arouse or gratify the sexual desire of any person’, criticising the ‘paternalistic’ intrusion into peoples’ private right to be aroused.”

According to a spokesman from the AAP, “obviously upskirt photos are completely in the spirit of the founding fathers of our country. We can read between the lines of what they wrote. An all male-group calling for ‘life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness’? Come on, we all know what that means. They were basically like an old-school party frat. Men’s right to be aroused and gratified is the cornerstone of this country. At the time, their wives and daughters were their legal property, not to mention any slaves they owned. We don’t think of this as an amendment, as much as a clarification. The founding fathers would definitely have wanted it this way.”

The exact language of the amendment reads: “a woman’s crotch is hereby declared to be part of the public domain, without restriction to photography, video, and sharing via internet, text, email, in any and all media whether now known or hereinafter discovered or invented.”

The Association of Creepy Ob-Gyns (ACOG) and the Association of Texans for Pre-Abortion TransVaginal Ultrasounds (ATPATVU) are requesting clarifying language to include internal photography, as well. The original coalition of Perverts, Predators, and Creepy Photographers is reportedly taking the request under advisement.