Aya de Leon

author – activist – faculty – mom

To White Gay Men who Wanna be Allies to Black Women

sierra-mannieDear White Gay Men in general and Steve Friess in particular,


When I first read the article in Time magazine by Steve Friess “Dear Black Women: White Gays Are Your Allies, So Don’t Push Us Away,” I was stunned. He was writing in response to a previous opinion piece in Time by Sierra Mannie, a black woman who criticized white gay men appropriating black women’s culture.

Friess dismissed her, based on the idea that white gay men are the “truest friends black women can have in American society.” He had this idea that gay white men and straight black women are really natural allies and that the only problem is our ability, as black women, to understand that. I thought, great, now I even have white gay men mansplaining to me. I was ready to get outraged: “Based on your attendance at a concert featuring black women you think you know me?”


But I think a lot about allies. I wrote a couple of pieces a while back in conversation with Black Girl Dangerous on the limitations of allies, and attacks on Britney Cooper where allies were MIA. As Yvonne put it in Autostraddle, Friess “offers no actual proof of how white gay men are allies to black women other than they share similar musical tastes.” But then I thought about it. I’m working on being more optimistic. I never thought we’d have a black president. So go ahead, surprise me.


Friess, if you wanna be an ally to straight black women, here’s one basic thing you need to know. Black women are not always good at asking for help. We’ve been taught we don’t deserve help. Even the president left us out of his signature racial justice legislation My Brother’s Keeper. We have been taught that we are the help. As you may recall, there was a bestseller written about it. The Help. But black women could certainly use help. We are overworked in every sector of our lives. I am not in a position to speak for what queer or trans black women need, and when I come across the posts those sisters inevitably start putting up, I will start linking. Here’s a great post from a black queer man Preston Mitchum on Role Reboot. But if you want to be helpful to heterosexual black women, then there’s actually a long to-do list that we could use an ally for:


Watch my kids. I don’t just mean babysit a couple of times. I mean build strong, committed, supportive, relationships with them so you can be in their lives and watch them grow up. And yes, commit a 2-3 hour block of time weekly to be with them, so I can get other things done.


If I’m single, go meet straight black men and vet them for me. I’ve been following Peechington Marie trying to date on OK Cupid and these brothers is crazy. So please check them out. Make sure that they like black women, they are interested in a relationship not just quick sex, they have an overall positive response to feminism, and above everything, confirm that they have emotional intelligence/communication skills.  By the way, if you see anyone with potential, feel free to mentor them to see if they can make the cut with a little assistance.


If I’m in a long-term relationship or marriage with a black man, can you PLEASE build him a community of progressive men that he can express his feelings with?  The heterosexual drinking buddy relationships can only get him so far. I mean a group of men who really express their feelings.  Think of it as Queer Cry For the Straight Guy. It’s nice that you claim responsibility for the metrosexual trend, but I actually need help transforming men’s insides, not their outsides.


If I have a day job, come by my office and pretend to poach me. Nobody gets taken for granted in the workplace like women of color. Remember, we are supposed to be the help.  Doesn’t really matter if we’re the executive director or CEO, everyone is still looking for us to take care of them at some level. We are underpaid, underpromoted, undervalued, and our leadership is undermined. Come by and act like some bigwig from a competing company who might hire us. See if you can help drum up a little respect for us in the home office.


If I’m an artist, pose as my agent/manager when I go to events. Gatekeepers will more likely take me seriously if they think a white man has invested in me. Or you might pose as an interested patron or audience member. The prevailing understanding of creative industries is that men in general and white men in particular don’t care about women of color. That you all don’t read our stories, see our movies, buy our visual arts, attend our theater. We know you love our singing, but doesn’t everyone? Are you listening to the lyrics? And while you’re at it, don’t just pose as a consumer, patronize our work and support women of color artists. And that would NOT include using a massive platform like Time Magazine to dismiss and criticize our analysis. I didn’t mean that kind of patronizing.


And while you’re at it, support feminist media and movements. Subscribe to our publications, join feminist organizations that support issues that disproportionately affect women of color. Turn up at our rallies. Sign our petitions. Donate to our Kickstarters.


You’re hooked on Orange is the New Black? Great! Go volunteer some time in a women’s prison. Women of color are being disproportionately locked up. We need legal support, moral support, spiritual support, educational support, creative programming. Whatever you do out in the world, come do it for some women in prison.


Write a letter to Marissa Alexander. The black woman who’s doing time for shooting in the air to defend herself against her abusive partner and whose “stand your ground” defense was ignored. Stand our ground with us when the government won’t


Come with us to defend abortion clinics. Now that SCOTUS has struck down the buffer zone law with the McCullen decision, we may be seeing more anti-abortion violence. Can you squeeze a little Saturday outdoor time into your schedule?


If I’m receiving any government assistance, come with me to visit my social worker, parole officer, or other bureaucratic institution for food stamps, general assistance, section 8, disability, court date. Come see how I get treated by the system. And, if there’s an opportunity, please speak up on my behalf.


Be in the car with me when cops pull me over. And with my male partner or son if they’re driving.


Finally, please come clean my house with me. Let me be clear, I mean clean not decorate. I know you have ideas of what could really highlight the lovely wood features of the space, but I’m not going for Better Homes and Gardens, I’m going for Reasonably Clean and Orderly. It would be a welcome novelty to have a white man cleaning by my side.


So after a long day of being an ally to my black womanhood, we’ll be pretty tired. We may not have a lot of time to sit around at retro concerts drinking and hanging out while you get points for having a cool black girlfriend, but my life would actually be much better. And that’s the whole point. Right, ally? In other words, unless you’re prepared to roll up your sleeves and really help a sista out, don’t act like you know me and that your alleged allyship entitles you to appropriate my community’s culture.

18 comments on “To White Gay Men who Wanna be Allies to Black Women

  1. Barry Nomo
    July 20, 2014

    Wow. That silly mumia doc led me here and I gotta say, relax. U looked ridiculous on the show, and there is too much anger in u to achieve the level of success you so obviously desire. All this site does is whine. U r an average feminist, racist whiner. U do nothing to help any issue. Get to church, pray, and get a real job. U know, shovel-ready, and all that.

    • Hops
      November 3, 2014

      Lol. You hit the nail right on the head of this bitch.

    • Jessica
      October 16, 2019

      Barry, wow, very ugly response. Obviously you feel triggered by this article. Why is it that men explode when women tell folks what they need? Your extremely ugly response only validates the writters initial point that women of color are dismissed, devalued and percieved as nothing more than the help. How about you tone down the rage my man and go to therapy.

  2. Ebony
    November 3, 2014

    Lol… Be an ally to black women by accompanying them to the welfare office. Priceless

    • Hops
      November 3, 2014

      Right. But in another post, she forgets she’s black and tries to pass herself off as Latino. Priceless. She’s an idiot.

      • Natasha
        November 3, 2014

        Uhm, are you serious?? “Latino” is not a race… Plenty of black Venezuelans, Cubans, Mexicans, Brazilians, Panamanians, need I go on? And we are ALL Latinos also. Travel a bit, it might teach you something about the world.

  3. favored12
    November 3, 2014

    I can’t believe what I just read! This is what you’ve reduced black women to needing? You need biggr aspirations my dear!

    • LeMark
      October 12, 2015

      Hear ye, hear ye! A “black” woman ( or Hispanic; not sure what she’s claiming today) reducing herself to the slavery of social welfare so readily handed out by her democrat party.

  4. Robert Thoren
    November 9, 2014

    I don’t think you guys get it. She’s not actually expecting gay white men to do ALL of these things, but rather outlining things black women regularly need help with, and so if you truly call yourself an ally, then you would realize how much effort being there for someone really truly is called for. Does seeing this list make you wanna crawl back a little and say no thanks? Does it enlighten you a little to how much she’s dealing with and cause you to want to roll your sleeves up and step in a little? it’s testing how committed to that ally label you truly are. Are you an ally or a sack of hot air? I thin this is the point she’s making here.

  5. Matthew Rothenberg
    November 27, 2014

    Most of the suggestions were OK, but she lost me on the last item: “Let me be clear, I mean clean not decorate. I know you have ideas of what could really highlight the lovely wood features of the space … ”

    The 1950s would like that stereotype back! I know some gay men who have ideas about interior decorating and others who don’t. However, using that language to belittle a whole group of people in the most hackneyed way possible … Yuck.

    • Jessica
      October 16, 2019

      Robert yes! Excellent analysis.

  6. Arnikka Donaldson
    December 23, 2014

    Frightening that the people who posted in the comments section do not understand the nature of satirical response. It really speaks to the issues surrounding literacy and critical thinking in our society at large. Evidently, they also did not read either Mannie’s or Friess’ articles to understand where you were getting the references to cleaning/decorating. I read both. I thoroughly supported Mannie’s perspectives. I found the vitriolic racism in the comments from self identified gay white men to further support her opinions that what we’re seeing is cultural appropriation rather than sincere cultural appreciation. How embarrassing for the commenters above that not only did they indicate their inability to reflect critically but also exhibited their lack of knowledge regarding the source material. Stand tall…your thoughts were on point.

  7. Pingback: To White Gay Men who Wanna be Allies to Black Women | bacchaed

  8. Valerie
    October 30, 2015

    “If I’m an artist, pose as my agent/manager when I go to events. Gatekeepers will more likely take me seriously if they think a white man has invested in me.”

    Perhaps it is acceptable in black ethics, but everyone else consider this FRAUD.

    • Valerie
      October 30, 2015


      • Spiralina
        October 27, 2017

        “black ethics”
        I’m Black and wtf is that?

  9. @@@
    November 5, 2015

    It’s not my responsibility as a gay man to go with her to her parole hearing. That’s not what an ally is. It’s not my responsibility to help her boyfriend du jour find friends she approves of, or to set her up on dates so she can get knocked up again. That’s not what an ally is. The fact that she let herself get knocked up several times without getting the fathers’ names or credit card numbers doesn’t obligate me to be a surrogate father to her children. She knows full well she has a right to unlimited abortions paid for by others. She chose not to do that. She chose this life for herself, and now she has regrets. An ally is not someone who cleans someone else’s home and messy life because they got it dirty and don’t want to put out the effort to clean up their own mess. An ally is someone who stands by you for the things you can’t change, like being born gay, or being born a black female. That’s what this is about. Not one woman’s unhappy boredom with the life she made for herself.

  10. Spiralina
    October 27, 2017

    Uh. WHAT? As a Black woman, no, I do not need white gay men to raise my kids, find me dates, clean my house or dictate my working hours. I am perfectly capable of doing those things for myself. I need them (and other white people) to stop stereotyping us, speak up against racism when they see it, stand with us in our fight for equality, and stop voting for policies that harm us. I get that this is satire but it’s not helpful in clearing up the confusion around what allies actually are.

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This entry was posted on July 17, 2014 by in Uncategorized.

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Aya wins first place Independent Publisher Awards for UPTOWN THIEF, THE BOSS, THE ACCIDENTAL MISTRESS

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